A great massage is no match for my overactive brain.
Vacations — and spas — are for relaxing, right? Maybe not, if you’re as anxious and fidgety as I am. Although it always seems like a good idea for me to book a massage and commit to relaxing, I inevitably find myself getting antsy right out of the gate and struggling to stay in the moment.
Well, maybe it’s more accurate to say that I can stay in the moment for only a moment … and then my brain goes into overdrive, reminding me of all the things I could and should be doing if only I weren’t having the kinks and knots worked out of my back and shoulders. (Which is probably a vicious cycle. I have the knots from stress, but then I’m stressed when I feel them trying to relieve the knots.)
As a mom and a business owner, taking things easy has never come easy for me, and it’s gotten worse as I’ve grown older. I tend to feel guilty when I take a moment to pause. To reflect. To relax. My to-do list is a mile long and exists on multiple platforms, just to make sure I’m never too far away from being able to check something off.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to relax. To have my mind go completely dark. To decompress. And why shouldn’t I? Anything that is on that to do-list can wait and hour or so, right?
Easier said than done.
My most recent trip to the spa, barely a week ago, was the same story, different setting. I was on an Eastern Caribbean cruise that, let’s face it, should’ve been the epitome of rest and relaxation. I’ve got nothing to do but watch endless miles of ocean go by (interspersed, of course, with enjoying the requisite frozen cocktails and the fascinating people watching).
But mere minutes after I went face down on the massage table, ready to enjoy 75 minutes of hot stone bliss (after all, I’ve been working nonstop for the last 8 months, so I deserved this, right?), my brain turned on ricochet mode, bouncing between every worry, insecurity, and random thought there is. It was pinball on crack, with no way to stop the ball.
Don’t believe me? I kept track of the thoughts, ranging from the obscure to the ridiculous.
So here, ladies and gentlemen, are the things that went through my head during that recent massage and facial.
- Where do I put my hands? Under the blanket? Over? Palms down? Up?
- This is so awkward. Why aren’t these tables a little wider?
- How do they know how much time to wait before they come back to start the service?
- How on earth do you gracefully turn over?
- Why does my nose get stuffy when I’m face down?
- Why am I so twitchy?
- Relax the shoulders. RE-LAX.
- HOW DO CRUISE SHIPS EVEN FLOAT?
- Do massage therapists get grossed out by any of their clients?
- I really need to cool it at the buffet. More walking, less eating.
- Where would I work if I worked on a cruise ship?
- Where did I leave my Kindle? I can’t believe I forgot it at home.
- Is this what the folks on the Titanic were doing when they hit the iceberg? Just minding their own business and then BOOM!
- I’m glad I got my pedicure before the cruise, so at least my feet look good.
- Will the massage be good or bad for the recently healed shoulder?
- Have our pipes burst at home with the sub-freezing temps? Should I be worried? Maybe I should buy some of those Bluetooth-enabled leak detectors.
- What do islands look like from underneath?
- Is the facial taking off my “Just for Men” temporary color on my brows? I really need to tint them again when I get home.
- Why didn’t I tint them before? Not like it takes that much time. What’s my excuse?
- How much food is wasted on a cruise ship? I don’t think I want to know the answer.
- How hard will the push be to sell me on products after the massage? Be strong! Say no.
- How worried should I be about the bird flu?
- Can I manage another pandemic?
- My stomach just gurgled. Is that norovirus?
- How does the ship know how much bacon to order?
- Is there someone whose only job it is to cook bacon? Because we go through a lot of bacon. That could be my job, but I wouldn’t want to end up being resentful about bacon.
- Have they ever run out of bacon?
- Why is cruise ship cut pineapple so much better than at-home pineapple? Probably because I don’t have to cut it.
- Are people people-watching me? What are they thinking?
- How are these workers so cheerful?
- It must be so hard for them to be so far from their families for so long.
- How do you get the “washy washy” job (spraying hand sanitizer on the hands of people coming into the Garden Cafe)? You’re like the face of the cruise ship with that job. Like, more famous than the captain.
- Our “washy washy” person has braces. How does she see an orthodontist if she’s on a ship for months at a time?
- What day is it?
- What time is it?
- What’s for dinner?
- How long have I been lying here?
- I wonder how Lucy is doing in doggie daycare?
- Does she make the association that if she gets a bath, that means she’s going home soon?
- If we sank, would my sister take care of our dog? She already had one, then had to take our mom’s dog after she died just over a year ago. Is a third more or less work than two?
- I feel sorry for my sister, who would have to clear out our house if we sank.
- I guess I need to update the “In the event of my death” binder.
- That spicy margarita sure was good today at the margarita tasting.
- Maybe I should learn to make them at home. But they’re so much better when just made for me.
- I need more protein.
- Do I have room in my suitcase for souvenirs?
- I’m certain I overpacked. No surprise.
- But why didn’t I bring some warmer clothes? Who would’ve guessed Florida would be 50 degrees?
- I know the time changed last night. But is my phone right or wrong? What about my watch? They’re both different.
- Should we make matching cruise shirts next time? What would they say?
- Why do I not like gambling but my family does?
- I hope they’re winning at the casino right now.
- Where is that Kindle?
- Should I keep growing my hair out? Why can’t we be like those dolls I had as a kid where you pressed a button and could pull the doll’s hair to be longer, or retract it to be shorter?
- The head massage feels great but it wreaks havoc on my short hair. How funky will it look when it’s over?
- Wait … it’s over? I was just getting relaxed!
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Four Birds 